Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Beautiful and afraid of nothing, as though I had wings

For those of you who know my story, you know that life has given me my fair share of curve balls along the way and that I seem to take everything pretty much in stride, with just a few hiccups along the way.  To those on the outside looking in I seem to handle everything that comes my way and continue to smile and attempt to make people laugh.  But for those who are closest to the Jester in her court know that there are cracks in the facade for most of the time the only thing people see is a mask.  When the lights go down at the end of the day and the house grows quiet, the masks come off and what is revealed is often a worn out, tearful woman in incredible pain who has very few moments to spend just with herself.  When the pain cycle has gotten out of control I have a bit of mania that kicks in and so I end up not being able to sleep, which is really the only break I get from the pain.  So it becomes a cycle and I feel at war with my own body every hour of every day.  Over the years, one of the ways I find to get lost is to read.  And I have been told I "consume" not read, which is probably a pretty accurate description of how I read when I am in need of an escape.  It has been so long since I first picked up a collection of poems from Mary Oliver that I forget there was a time in my life where her books and quotes didn't live in my homes.  I am known to quote her often and I am proud to have introduced her to so many people over the decades.  Lately, the court Jester/ Nurse Nightengale hasn't been feeling so perky and to be honest, my mood is pretty low.  I am still up at 4 a.m. (now 5 am as I finish this post) with no sleep in sight soon, breakfast and getting Jesse off to school will happen in just a few hours and there is a part of me wishing I wasn't me at the moment.  It is one of those days that the darkness has crept in and I long for a light revealing an answer to relief.  This, may take some time, and as I was sitting and reading a phrase, quote, stanza, if you like, started tumbling its way out of the recesses of my brain and into consciousness.
“I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings.”
― Mary Oliver, Owls and Other Fantasies: Poems and Essays
For a moment, I want the daily struggles to just take a coffee break and let me return to my carefree life I had once upon a time, where every movement wasn't considered and options weighed before committing to the simplest of tasks.  But this cocoon I live in, I am firmly convinced that someday from my chrysalis I will struggle and crawl, emerging to greet the light as my beautiful, unique wings unfurl and carry me far away to a new life, free from pain, my constant companion, never my friend.  I find, taking time to be with yourself, to love yourself, to know yourself is often the quickest path to discovering your wings, and as I sat tonight, the moment was just right, and the lighting just perfect for a glimpse inside my cocoon.

Improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing

The Details
Hair - Damselfly - Emily
Skin - DeeTaleZ
Eyes - IKON
Eyeshadow - Alaskametro - Chloe - Glitter @ Apply Me!
Lashes - Gaeline Creations
Earrings and Necklace - Maxi Gossamer - Sansa Amulet @ Uber
Top - PoshTale - Kasai Fringe Top - Plain and Patterns @ Apply Me!
Jeans - NoName - Remi Ripped NEW!!!
Shoes - NoName - Dusti Heels NEW!!!
Too many people try to hide when they get down or simply pretend that it doesn't happen to them, but let's be honest, everyone has their moments.  I have told you all before I like being the melancholy baby from time to time, it keeps me grounded and honest and sometimes lingering there, for a moment can make you appreciate even more the amazing things around you!  
Have a wonderfully wicked Wednesday and remember to always stay true to your style and make today's fashion trends work for you!


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